Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
