Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
