I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
