The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
