Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
