you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
