oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
