that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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