hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
