I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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