Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize