I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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