so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's shark week go big or go home
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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