I will die if light touches me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
