I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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