I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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