I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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