I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
