This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize