....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
