im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
