so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you had me at cake vodka
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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