You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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