There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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