I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
