I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
