it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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