If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
