can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
