You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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