cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
