My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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