last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
