i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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