it's too hot outside to masturbate.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
