He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My ATM looks so different sober.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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