Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
