she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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