I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
