I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
