I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
