anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Who died my cat blue again?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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