We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
