i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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