I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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