Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
