i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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