hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
