Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
