Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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