Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
