Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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