That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
