Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
