happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
